Ietsie Ligs, Ietsie Scary

Why coloureds can’t be terrorists: by MARK LOTTERING

– Ons is altyd laat. We would have missed all 4 flights.
– We talk loud and would bring attention to ourselves.
– Met free kos en cooldrink oppie plane, we’ll sommer forget why we’re there.
– We praat with our hands, so we’ll continually be putting the weapons down.
– We would ALL want to fly the freaking plane, ending in a MOERSE fight with each other.
– We’ll sommer argue and start a fight in the terminal before we even get on the plane & one of us is bound to say out loud: “Gaan k*k man! Dan hijack jy die f**kken plane alleen!!”
– Ons kannie ‘n secret hou nie. We would have told everyone a week before doing it, telling them: “Moet vir niemand sê nie, ho!”
– We would have insisted that the plane fly past Strandfontein Pavillion.
– We would have all lined up to get our photograph taken by one of the hostages.
– When we enter the cockpit, we would have used the intercom system for a karaoke session, with one d**S trying to sing “I did it my way”.
– We would first rob everyone of their Ray-Bans, cellphones and gold teeth, just before we crash the plane.
– Our whole freaking family plus neighbors would have been at the airport to see us off, crying their bleddie eyes out, and your mother saying to the white ou next to her: “I’m so proud of him. It’s the first time he’s hijacking a plane!”
– We would have dressed like terrorists for our airport go-away clothes: balaclavas, jumpsuits, karate skoentjies, dark glasses, en ‘n MOErse attitude.
– Two of us would have forgotten our passports at home.
– Three of us would have overweight luggage.
– All of us would have luggage.
– We would have all wanted to watch the in-flight movie first.
– Before we went into action, we would have all queued up at the toilet to first gel our hair.
– We would have taken the plane for a joyride first, played the music at full blast and try to park the plane somewhere where the chicks could see us.

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Africa News articles that got the world’s attention! – Very, very scary actually

The Cape Times:

“I have promised to keep his identity confidential,’ said Jack Maxim, a spokesperson for the Sandton Sun Hotel,Johannesburg, “but I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment”.

“We asked him to clean the lifts and he spent four days on the job.

When I asked him why, he replied: ‘Well, there are forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes some of them aren’t there’. Eventually, we realised that he thought each floor had a different lift, and he’d cleaned the same two twelve times.

We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I understand he is now working for GE Lighting.”

 

The Star,  Johannesburg:

“The situation is absolutely under control,” Transport Minister Ephraem Magagula told the  Swaziland parliament in Mbabane. “Our nation’s merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don’t know where it is, that’s all.”

Replying to an MP’s question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the ‘Swazimar’: “We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we’ve lost it a bit. But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government.”

“The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on the other side of his face when my ship comes in.”

 

The Standard,  Kenya:

“What is all the fuss about?” Weseka Sambu asked a hastily convened news conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. “A technical hitch like this could have happened anywhere in the world. You people are not patriots. You just want to cause trouble.”

Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya Airways, was speaking after the cancellation of a through flight from Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin: “The forty-two passengers had boarded the plane ready for take-off, when the pilot noticed one of the tyres was flat. Kenya Airways did not possess a spare tyre, and unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty. A passenger suggested taking the tyre to a petrol station for inflation, but unluckily the jack had gone missing so we couldn’t get the wheel off.

“Our engineers tried heroically to reinflate the tyre with a bicycle pump, but had no luck, and the pilot even blew into the valve with his mouth, but he passed out.”

“When I announced that the flight had to be abandoned, one of the passengers, Mr Mutu, suddenly struck me about the face with a life-jacket whistle and said we were a national disgrace. I told him he was being ridiculous, and that there was to be another flight in a fortnight. And, in the meantime, he would be able to enjoy the scenery around Kisumu, albeit at his own expense.”

 

From a Zimbabwean newspaper

While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo, the bus driver stopped at a roadside shebeen for a few beers. When he got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere to be seen. Realizing the trouble he was in if the truth were uncovered, he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the queue. Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital, where he hastily handed over his charges, warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable. Staff removed the furious passengers; it was three days later that suspicions were roused by the consistency of stories from the 20. As for the real patients: nothing more has been heard of them and they have apparently blended comfortably back into Zimbabwean society.

(Nou het ek regtig alles gehoor in hierdie lewe!)

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10 Responses

  1. Die laaste een …is nogal baie snaaks, kan jy dink dat jy die volgende oomblik in ‘n spesiale plekkie beland sonder jou medewete.

    Die “pilot” blaas die band met sy mond op soos ‘n balon!!!

    Ag nee 😯

  2. Jy sal maak dat ek tweekeer dink voor ek weer op ‘n bus klim…MAAR aan die anderkant sal dit ‘n goeie break wees van die kleuters!

  3. Ek kan nie besluit of en moet bang wees of lag nie of bang moet wees om te lag nie. Imagine, die lifts is nie altyd op die vloer nie…hahaha

  4. Haai, nee!

    Afrika op sy beste.

  5. Whahahahaha @ vir Mark Lottering!! 😆

  6. Ek skud my kop in ongeloof vir die nuusberigte… whahaha, dis vreeslik snaaks… sponskamers toe met hulle! 😆

  7. Ag Shame!!! Dis skreeusnaaks. 😈

  8. thanks for making me laugh.

  9. Ek was so geskok met die Afrika nuus berigte dat ek wou gaan opsoek wanneer die artikels in die verskillende koerante verskyn het. Turns out, dis als “urban legends”: http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/africa.asp

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