One for the Women!

Hierdie was te goed om NIE te ‘copy’ en ‘paste’ nie. Sensitiewe manne moet dalk liewers nie lees nie!

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to Maxi Pad Company, Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It’s PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my panties.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? No, off course not! Ever suffered from the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body, and soon I will have to fight the urges to reach through the computer screen to strangle anybody within reach on the other side. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with homocidal knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body just amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill, just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy, isn’t it?

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the world is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, are you suicidal, and does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’. Are you just picking on us or do you have a death wish?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons

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10 Responses

  1. hahahahaha

    lag ek nou lekker.

    kyk ek is ‘n man, maar ek het lankal geleer…..

    ‘n vrou met ‘n maand verband skryf met ‘n pen van vuur op jou rug….

  2. Mense wat reken pms is ‘n klug, is gesuip. BAIE snaaks. Ek en liefie het lekker gelag.

  3. Ek het self ‘n ligte gemoedsteurnis (wat niks met hormone te doen het nie) en ek het al geleer om nie tydens die donker dae simpatie te verwag nie, die we^reld stel nie veel in my moods belang nie. Grin and bear it, is my raad aan Wendi Aarons.

  4. Sonkind…. 😆 dis nou PMS op die war path!

    Bertus!!! Elke vrou grin and bear it van die ouderdom van 13… as n ruseltaat is elke vrou teen die ouderdom van 18 gatvol verby… die eenigtste ware verligting is swangerskap… 9 maande van bliss, maar gevul met ander tiepes hormonal rolercoasters!! en dan kom dit terug elke maand klokslag tot jy n ryp ouderdom tref en met nuwe hormone te doen kry, met nuwe rolercoasters!! Die punt wat ek wil maak is… dont F#ck met n vrou! 😉

  5. Bertus!, as PMS maar net ‘n ligte gemoedsteurnis is, maar dit is by verre nie. 😉

    TristonJ, ek hoor jou suster.

  6. O jinne, nou’t ek lekker gelag! Die vroutjie slaan die spyker mooi op die kop!

  7. Nice post, ek het nou lekker gelag.

  8. […] gevaar by die werk Waar ek al hierdie onderwerp raak gelees het op WordPress is hier, hier en hier. Die een se siening is dat dit ‘n klug is (’n man), die ander ‘n […]

  9. “Put down the hammer” in plaas van “Have a happy period”…. whahahahaha!! 😆

  10. Okay guys, dit is nie regtig Wendi Aarons wat die brief geskryf het nie, dit was ek!

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